A Note to Relationshippers:Say Hello to Mr Reality
by clarity
Summary: Sarcastic and caustic. Written before Chris Carter went INSANE. Scully's thoughts on always being paired romantically with Mulder.


Author's note: Yes, this may seem a bit harsh. Really, it's just a gentle poke at those mad people who think Mulder and Scully are destined to be chained in holy matrimony.   
Picture this: a young, wide-eyed Australian logs on to the net to bond with her fellow 'philes. She sees this thing called 'fanfiction': she thinks it might be fun. After all, everyone makes up their own little stories for their two favorite agents. It will be good to see what all of these other fans out there think.  
First story, half way down first page: 'Scully watched as Mulder licked the cream off her finger. It was going to be and interesting night.' Okay, okay, thinks young clarity, perhaps that's just a bit of bad luck. Let's try another one:  
'Scully leaned over and whispered into his ear, 'You know I'm not wearing any underwear, Mulder.' Mulder could feel himself getting hard.'  
Hmm. Okay. Maybe there's some other stuff around here...  
Fanfic #32: 'As Mulder felt her supple lips close around his ere-'  
AARGHHHH! Are these people INSANE?   
And so the first impression clarity has of the warm, welcoming phile network of the world is this smut. Fanfiction written by fucknuckles. Okay, fucknuckles is a little harsh. Maybe dumbunnies. No, no, on second thought, people who consistently write explicit detailed accounts of M&S gettin' it on 24/7 are fucknuckles.  
Yes, you are free to have your little fantasies. Yes, you have the right to share them with the rest of the world. But to see so much stuff, often written with talent, consistently rape these two who are so dear to us all is sickening. They don't want it. We don't want it. Only you want it, and you force your perverted little minions out on us all.  
All I ask is for some moderation. Personally, I'm a Scully/Skinner fan, but do I write story upon story of them getting it on? No. I try to explore every facet of this fascinating show. Please, please, try to do it yourselves. To do any less is demeaning to your intelligence, and below Mulder and Scully's dignity.  
  
  
  
A Note to Relationshippers: Say 'Hello' to Mr. Reality!  
by clarity  
  
'I want you to fuck me, Mulder.'  
  
'What?' Fox Mulder looked up from the papers on his desk at his partner. The petite redhead was leaning against the frame of the closed door and her countenance was deadly serious.  
  
He sat frozen, waiting for her to elucidate.  
  
'Yes. I want you to fuck me mad. I want you to do it to me until we're both absoloutely legless.'  
  
Mulder contemplated this. It wasn't the first time Dana Scully had said such things to him, although it was the first time he was awake for it, and, come to think of it, the first time she'd said it wearing a suit. Usually it was something tiny, in red. No, this didn't seem to be his dream at all.  
  
'Do you hear me? You. And me. Horizontal. Doing the Wild Thing. Playing Hide Mr Weasel. Chase My Neighbor Up the Passage. Going at it like monkeys. Do it, Mulder. Now.'  
  
'Hurmimm...' Mulder said. He tried to cover up by looking intelligent. 'Scully, you're scaring me.' He tried to pretend that his voice hadn't come out as squeaky as it had.  
  
'Come on, Mulder. I want it. Biblically.'  
  
Drugs? He hadn't taken any serious drugs lately. Not really serious ones. Not enough to produce this hallucination. Probably not drugs, then. Unless Scully had been taking them... No, on second thought, he must have finally flipped it. Yep, that was it. He'd gone stark raving mad. Finally. Well, at least it was a bit more pleasant than he'd imagined.   
  
Mulder straightened his tie, and sat back to watch the show.  
  
The halucinatory Scully took this for encouragement, apparently, because she took off her jacket and proceeded to undo the top buttons of her shirt. Mulder shook his head in amazement. Man, why did this never happen in real life? A guy had to lose his mind before he could appreciate the simple pleasures in life, like his stunningly beautiful partner stripping in front of him at work.  
  
'I mean, why not? After all, we are only human beings, no better than animals. We have no choice but to follow our base instincts whenever the urge takes us. So go ahead and fuck me.'  
  
Oh, no. No, this wasn't good at all. This didn't sound like the nice, relaxing psychotic episode he'd expected. This wasn't #27, Scully, Red-Hot Mama, Begging for a Piece of the Mulder Machine. This was #2004, Scully's Gone Mad Because She's Got Her Period.  
  
'I mean, it's just not possible that we could resist the urges we have had since we were in the trees. It's absolutely impossible that men and women have got to a point where we can be in the same room together and not fuck like bunnies. It's hopeless to fight it. So come over here and fuck me.'  
  
Mulder sighed. Just for a second, his heart had been palpitating in the belief that it was going to be supporting a body that was going to Get Laid. It had been such a long time that the term deserved capital letters. And now that little heart wasn't going to be in a body that was Getting Laid, it was a little heart that was in a body that once again only had a Possibility of Masturbation tonight. Mulder sighed again. Such things just weren't meant to be.  
  
'So what's the deal, Scully?' he asked.  
  
His partner ignored him.  
  
'Oh, so you're not going to come over here. I guess I'll just have to go to you. I guess that we've at least progressed to the point that I can come over there and fuck your little brains out.' At this Scully walked over and sat on the edge of the desk. Mulder gulped. He was more than a little scared.  
  
'Okay, okay, Scully. What's the deal?'  
  
'No, no, Mulder, you don't have to pretend. I know that to fight against the instinct to screw the brains out of your every female acquaintance is impossible. Because it is, of course, the same with me. I mean, every time I'm alone with Skinner I just have the irresistable urge to bend him over his great big desk and rip his trousers off with my teeth.'  
  
Mulder tried to fight back this mental image, and failed.   
  
'All right, I get the point. What's up?' At that unfortunate choice of words, Mulder sat a little straighter in his chair. Some reactions of the body were a little uncontrolable, and Scully's opening line had been brilliant.  
  
Scully moved across and sat in a chair with a sigh.  
  
'It's just that it's ridiculous. I mean, we've been partners what, seven years now? How many people in the Bureau think we're fucking, do you think? Every single one. And how long for? Since the second week of our partnership.' Scully sighed again, and looked at Mulder, who shrugged.   
  
'It comes with the job.'  
  
'No, Mulder, it doesn't. It comes with breathing. On top of those factors, how many people, do you think, think I'm having it off with Skinner three nights out of seven? At least as many as those who think I'm sleeping with you. If I was having half as much sex as most people think I am, I wouldn't be able to walk.'  
  
'Yes.' Mulder half-smiled. He could remember regular sex. Celibacy- you had to laugh or you'd start crying. He looked at his partner again. 'But Scully, why do you have a problem with it right now? You know what the Bureau's like.'  
  
'That's not my point. It's everything. I'm sick of it.' She crossed her legs, and glared at the poster behind Mulder's head before looking back at him. 'It's ludicrous that a man and a woman can't just be... I don't know, just together, friends, without there having to be sex involved. Everyone expects it. Everyone gossips about it. No one can even consider that there's nothing going on. Hell, even my mother thinks it's kind of strange you and I haven't got together.'  
  
Mulder frowned at a stray paperclip on his desk. Time for a bit of the honesty thing. 'Uh, Scully, you know there is a bit of truth in it. Men and women often have sexual attractions between them, no matter who they are. I mean,' he hesitatied, 'uh, I- I even feel a bit of that towards you, so...'  
  
Scully interrupted him. 'Oh, I know that, Mulder. There's always a bit of zing in a close relationship. I have that with you. Hell, I even have that with Skinner - I mean, when he and I get into an argument sometimes and my pulse starts racing...'  
  
Mulder, his hopes - and his libido - risen by her first admission, was struck down again by her thoughts about Skinner.   
  
'But that doesn't mean there's always going to be a reaction to it.'  
  
Mulder contemplated this. A thought occurred to him. 'Yeah, but Scully, precedent would tell against you. I mean, just look at me and Diana. We had an intense relationship that ended up in sex. Good sex.'  
  
Scully bypassed his last remark and concentrated on his suggestion. After a moment she nodded.  
  
'Yes, that's true, Mulder. But you're really stupid.'  
  
Mulder pondered this, and decided it was true. But then he thought of something else.  
  
'But what about Phoebe? That ended up in sex, too.'  
  
'Yes, Mulder, and that's because you're really stupid.'  
  
Mulder nodded. She was probably right.  
  
'So you're saying that sex between us is stupid.'  
  
'Pretty much. But that's not my point. I'm saying that it's stupid that the world can't accept men and women in platonic relationships. Everything in our lives is tainted by sex. We're controlled by it, whether we fight against it or not. And I hate it.'  
  
Mulder nodded. 'So, Scully, what really brought this on? Man trouble?'  
  
At which Scully bludgeoned him to death with a piece of igneous rock. 


End file.
